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Contributed by Noelle

The contributor has an ad on several websites, looking for a roommate to move in when her current roommate moves out soon. She received the following email from someone who probably won’t get the spot:

From: XXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Jul 28, 2006 8:16 AM
Subject: The report mail it sends from the www.share-accommodation.net .
To: xxxxxx@gmail.com

How are you. I am 26 murderous intent males who live in Korea. It is a plan which will enter into the household head at September 5th. It searches the place where it will stay. Moving in wants knowing the possible cold region in September. I visit initially in the household head. English it cannot do well, but a lot, it appears not to becoming the problem. If possibility be and give the liaison with the mail. Korea hands down elegy today. Is the piece weather how? Good one day~

Contributed by Charles A. Lieberman

From an article about termites:

Meanwhile, several signs to alert you to a subterranean termite infestation include:
-Mud tubes.
-Damaged or “hollow” sounding wood.
-Dead termites or wings.
-Live termites.
-Swarming termites.

Contributed by Devin Felix

An old, senile woman at the contributor’s church was at the pulpit preaching about a variety of things, including the following:

There are also a lot of foods I can’t eat anymore. Chocolate, for example: White chocolate, the dark chocolate, and the milk chocolate, which is the kind babies love so much. And I know that, in the next life, the men will be the ones who have the babies. [At this point, she concluded and sat down, then turned to the lady next to her and added:] And I bet you’re wondering how the men will have the babies. [Dramatic pause.] Through the rectum.

Contributed by Paul Pliska

The directions on a package of Wish Pearls include this as step 2:

Make a wish and open the mollusk.

Good advice in any situation, really.

Contributed by Randy Tayler

The contributor sent an email to a company complaining about a popup when using their software. After a couple emails back and forth, he received this resolution:

From: [EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED]
To: Randy Tayler
Subject: RE: After meeting pop-up window [T20060619010H]

Hi Randy,

Thank you for using GoToMeeting.

I have disabled the exit Pop Up, I apologize for the incontinence this has caused!

Thank you.

Warm Regards,

[NAME REMOVED]
Customer Care Agent
Citrix Online Division
Citrix Systems, Inc.

Contributed by Jeff J. Snider

WARNING: This post contains some non-graphic and non-explicit references to sex. You have been warned.

One of the great things about running a site like this is reading the comments from readers. A fellow by the name of David MacDonald posted a couple comments that I did not approve, partly because of their content, but mostly because I wanted to highlight them as separate entries. Here is a portion of one of the comments, with my favorite parts in bold:

if you are looking for a nice guy to have passionate sex with in bed iam free to help you out.email me to [ADDRESS REMOVED] and let me no if you are interested in having sex with me in the nude in the shower and also in bed.yours sincerly david.

The next comment got more explicit and lost some of David’s “nice guy” image, but rest assured that it also specified “in bed.” It’s nice to see a guy who knows exactly what he wants.

Contributed by Rachel

After the contributor’s boyfriend broke up with her, this is the explanation he gave to her friend:

I have better things to do — like be a ninja.

Contributed by Ezra Benson

Some random quotes the contributor overheard and collected, with descriptions from the contributor:

A college-age girl, upon seeing a big, creepy bug:

That’s the most funkadelic thing I’ve ever seen!

My friend, to my other friend, who she was convinced didn’t like her:

You’re just trying to gain my thinking-you-like-me-ness.

Adam, when I told him he had used a word out of context:

Out of context my turtle. I was so in context.

Several minutes after friend #1 explained what hush puppies are, friend #2 said:

Wait… so they’re not woof woof dogs?

Contributed by Emily Gann

A message from Italian actress Vanessa Gravina to her fans, found on her old website that is no longer in service:

Something about me…

Hallo boys and girls sailing on my site!

This one you see is the “theoric” side of me, a bonsai-portrait which will reveal you what you would NEVER know about me… so, cheer up! God bless you!

I consider myself a good girl, anyway! I belong to the team of feeeling’s lovers, and I really love true things and poethical ones.

I like dreaming about everything, sailing on my mind’s scripts, going over again my past for savouring my present better.
I let my mind wander easily, but sometimes I come back…!
Speaking for myself, life is music, George Winston’s piano, Pino Daniele’s notes, Maxwell’s urban hang suite and many others friends, who never abandon me on my journey; life is books, from Kundera to Tabucchi, Stefano Benni and Shnitzler… This last one has helped me so much!

I really love sea, swimming in its water savouring its scent, immersing myself in its blue; I love sun, sand which caresses my skin, love in its best definition, the scent of the roses, my kitten’s snout, the loyal eyes of my dog…
I’m a sleepy-head, and a dreamer.

I adore good cinema, its stories, its heros who give us hopes, its passions which light desires… Paul Auster, and his defeatist irony…
I believe in friends,in mind’s freedom, in berries, in massages and in chocolate!
I believe in God, not so much in me, in men not at all!

And finally, I believe in life.

I love you!

Sincerely
VANESSA

Contributed by Jeff

In the contributor’s eighth-grade history class, the teacher explained that each country owns the land within 14 miles of its shore, with the rest classified as international waters. A girl in the class raised her hand and asked:

But if Hawaii is only 14 miles off the coast, then how come it takes so long to get there?

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