Mon 11 Jun 2007
From Other Languages
Mon 31 Jul 2006
Contributed by Noelle
The contributor has an ad on several websites, looking for a roommate to move in when her current roommate moves out soon. She received the following email from someone who probably won’t get the spot:
Date: Jul 28, 2006 8:16 AM
Subject: The report mail it sends from the www.share-accommodation.net .
How are you. I am 26 murderous intent males who live in Korea. It is a plan which will enter into the household head at September 5th. It searches the place where it will stay. Moving in wants knowing the possible cold region in September. I visit initially in the household head. English it cannot do well, but a lot, it appears not to becoming the problem. If possibility be and give the liaison with the mail. Korea hands down elegy today. Is the piece weather how? Good one day~
Thu 1 Jun 2006
Contributed by Emily Gann
A message from Italian actress Vanessa Gravina to her fans, found on her old website that is no longer in service:
Something about me…
Hallo boys and girls sailing on my site!
This one you see is the “theoric” side of me, a bonsai-portrait which will reveal you what you would NEVER know about me… so, cheer up! God bless you!
I consider myself a good girl, anyway! I belong to the team of feeeling’s lovers, and I really love true things and poethical ones.
I like dreaming about everything, sailing on my mind’s scripts, going over again my past for savouring my present better.
I let my mind wander easily, but sometimes I come back…!
Speaking for myself, life is music, George Winston’s piano, Pino Daniele’s notes, Maxwell’s urban hang suite and many others friends, who never abandon me on my journey; life is books, from Kundera to Tabucchi, Stefano Benni and Shnitzler… This last one has helped me so much!
I really love sea, swimming in its water savouring its scent, immersing myself in its blue; I love sun, sand which caresses my skin, love in its best definition, the scent of the roses, my kitten’s snout, the loyal eyes of my dog…
I’m a sleepy-head, and a dreamer.
I adore good cinema, its stories, its heros who give us hopes, its passions which light desires… Paul Auster, and his defeatist irony…
I believe in friends,in mind’s freedom, in berries, in massages and in chocolate!
I believe in God, not so much in me, in men not at all!
And finally, I believe in life.
I love you!
Mon 10 Apr 2006
Contributed by RacheltheGreat
The contributor spent a semester in Russia, during which time she noticed some very strange English phrases on t-shirts. Here are some of her favorites:
All Over of the Pizzaz Prince
Zero My Here
Even JGZ Go Free We Singing
Get Out of the Bear
Wed 5 Apr 2006
Contributed by Judy
An email received by the contributor’s company, a ship operator, from a port agency in Venezuela, unhappy to have lost their business (the contributor is “miss j.a.”):
to: mr. p.c./ miss j.a.-
dear mr p.c. and miss j.a., receive a cordial greeting on behalf of company, we have done whith concern that you/ they have not contacted us to the ends of quoting the foods and materials to the different ships freighted by you company, dedicated to embark imports of minerals in the different ports of the river orinoco puerto ordaz venezuela. we wanted to express him that we are willing to consider that probably the differen shipping agencies which are hired by you have not included us in the rate process, in such a sense we wanted them to send us their requeriments to our electonic mail directly in the attention of the mr. alberto lara operations manager, we understand that during the requirements made previously by you to our company we give this requirements whih the but high sense of responsibility. our products are and they have always been of the but high quality and economic prices, we wait to have satisfied their requirements in all the senses and in the time required by you. according to previous comments received on the part of the agencies you are well served, the same as their captains. whitout but to that to make reference says goodbye of you, sincerely.
EMAIL: xxxx@xxxx. com
email: xxxx@xxxx. com
phones: 0058- 4xxxxxxx – 0058-xxxxxx – 0058-xxxxx
Tue 14 Mar 2006
Contributed by J. Ryan
From the package of a “Cold Cathode Fluorescent Lamp,” used to give computer cases a neon glow:
To gether with a see-through glass side panel, this lamp can be installed inside computer shassis, and the beam provides visual and multimedia effects for users and gamers who are after the performance of their PCs.
This lamp can be fixed and installed in any free space inside the computer chassis.It also requires one free connector from your PC power supply.
The flash frequency can be adjusted by a sensor that can be attached to any sound/voice output device such as speakers.
According to your favourite,a label in the front of the package recognizes the colour-sky blue,light green,ivory white,cherry red or purple.
1.Preventing the Flourescent tube from damage. Please Avoid being bent or twisted.
2. Avoiding the wire being broken, do not pull and drag it.
3. Do not disassemble it arbitrarily without any professionals.
Sun 12 Mar 2006
Contributed by Olivia Meikle
The following recipes are included with the instructions for the — and this is the REAL name of this thing — “Great For All Your Mixer” that the contributor’s mother bought from an infomercial:
ICE TEA TIME EXTRAVAGANZA
With the same procedure done with the Thai Ice Tea, with the exception of milk. You can easily prepare and concock whatever your carvings may strikingly be.
BANANA CAROB MILKSHAKE
Ingredients same as Banana Milkshake. Just add in a teaspoon of carob powder and it brings you your chocolatie flavor all over. Yum, yum and away … the delight will be there to stay!
PIMENTO CREAM CHEESE
Mix and Blend all ingredients until they are all evenly combined. And Presto, your pimento spread will be yummily ready anytime your desire strikes. PS Remember, use brown bread as often as possible. As the say: The whiter the bread the sooner your dead.
EASY PINEAPPLE JAM
Will work with other fruits. Choose your heart’s desire and simply enjo a jammy and spready adventure! Extend our warm regards.
Thu 4 Aug 2005
Contributed by William Foster
Printed on a counterfeit Lego set in Kosovo:
Wed 18 Feb 2004
Contributed by Rueben
Excerpt from the manual for an LG/WINGCOM Wireless Keyboard and Mouse:
WING MOUSE and WING KEYBOARD is specially designed for the people who need extreme freedom from every cord products. And it is specially designed by the most people. WINGCOM CO. LTD is trying to make better products, and trying to be a specialist of cordless product, and later, WING MOUSE and WING KEYBOARD will be a standard of cordless products.
-Installation of reciever unit
Put 2 AA batteries in WING MOUSE. If mouse does not work, remove batteries and put again after 10 seconds. If it does not work after 2 or 3 times trial, check battery.
Put 2 AA batteries in WING KEYBOARD. If keyboard does not work, remove batteries and put again after 10 seconds. If it does not work after 2 or 3 times trial, check battery.
-Cleaning mouse ball
For smooth and correct movement, cleaning is important like car. 1. Open ball cover from bottom side of mouse 2. Take out ball from mouse 3. Remove dust from ball with velvet or soft cloth 4. Remove dust from roller with thin alcoholic cotton stick 5. Put ball in mouse and close ball cover 6. Remove dust from foot with soft toothbrush
Tue 20 Jan 2004
Contributed by Howard Tayler
From the contributor:
This is from the “Usage Manual” for a mini RC stunt car. The translation is horrible all the way through, resulting in some very memorable bad English. I’ve offered my favorites here.
From the “Safe Rule” section:
1.prohibition against 3 years old below of child usage;
2.play attention. you of finger,hair,clothes…etc.don’t touch and car wheel,in order to prevent quilt harm.
3.car while driving not want to by hand grasp it.
4.don’t let the remote control close to any fire with car original;(such as electric stove,stove beside or mightiness of sunlight bottom)
From the “Operation” section:
5) The erection go forwards to take the contrary hour hand direction of ex- round to hover around.
(Note: I’m not making this up.)
Finally, from the top of the page, in a little inset supposedly there to alert us to the requirements:
1.Is not suitable for the 3 years old and the following child.
2.Before biginning uses must hard finish reading this manual
3.Suggestion is under the person’s leading usage.
All I can say is that the comment about how I can’t “uses” before “hard finish reading this manual” could have ruined Christmas.