We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

Contributed by Anonymous

From a memo sent to all tenants of a particular business park. The note thanked everyone for their cooperation with the recent ribbon-cutting ceremony, and in dealing with the amount of parking space the event required. The last line was this:

“We apologize for any incontinence this may have caused you.”

Contributed by Odin Smith

According to the contributor, this was posted on a newsgroup in the early days of the Internet, on the subject of group homes for special-needs individuals:

By Jeff Bodah

flowers for Algernon pout down the mentely retarded by always calling Charlie stupid . I think that it was not right for them to take him out to a bar and get him drunk.Because afterwards they made a lot of fun of him.But he is so stupid that he did not even realize it. I don’t like the mentely retard be cause they make me sick to my stomach.

When I am trying to eat I see a retard I have to throw away my food before I get sick.It ant gut nothing to do with being stupid. I gust have a week stomach when they are around.It ant like doctor Newmer how acted like he did not exsist to after the operation. I now that they exists and there is nothing wrong with that I don’t mind them I just cant look at the mentely retarded for to long or I get sick.

The mentely ill has a lot of problumes because they have no frends.The sad part of it is that they did nothing rong.they were gust born way .Some were in accidents or droped on there heads . Some are retarted because ther parents were alcoholics wile thay were pregnent.Or because of drug problums there parents might of had and could not quit for those nine monthes.

My opinion is that if some one gets pregnent and drinks or drugs for those nine months that thay are not fit to be a parent. and that there kid should be taken right after birth.Because if the mother is not gona stop drinking or druging for that nine monthes then she ant gona stop at all.and that kid is never gona have a healthy life.parents who drink and drug while thay are pregnent should go to jail if test sho that thay were driking or druging during the nine monthes.

The mentaly retarded must have a hard life because thay alwes need some one there to take care of them.And if thay dont have some one there to watch them at all times then thay would have to go to a state school.like waren state school were thay could be wathed during the day . Mentaly retarded people must have no time to there selfs because thay all wese need some one to watch over them.

Contributed by Anonymous

Editor’s note: This message appeared while operating a computer program. I have unfortunately lost the e-mail that told me who contributed this, and which program they were running, but I do recall that the software is quite commonly used in some particular area of expertise — i.e., it’s not just some rinky-dink program that some guy made up; it’s one a lot of people use.

Contributed by Anonymous

“Fascinating Womanhood” is a bestseller by Helen Andelin. It tells women how to get men and therefore become worthwhile:

(From the chapter “Feminine Manner”:)

Bewitching Langour
“Langour is a calm, quiet, air similar to a cat relaxing before a fireplace. It’s a touch of velvet. The opposite of langour is nervous and high-strung behavior, such as biting fingernails, jingling keys, twisting a handkerchief, or fingering the hair. To be feminine, work to over come these habits.”

Facial Expressions
“Avoid frowns, hardness in the eyes, tight lips, and a drooping mouth. Feminine expressions are gentle, tender, sweet, with a soft look in the eyes.”

Feminine Conversation
“Take care that all your conversation is feminine. First, don’t talk too much. Almost all women talk too much. Make sure your conversation is not centered on yourself. Don’t dominate the conversation or share too many opinions.”

Refinement
“One of the marks of a feminine woman is refinement, which implies good social breeding. Never interrupt someone, use vulgar language, profane, swear, or tell vulgar jokes. Never pick your nose, scratch yourself, or blow your nose in public. (Wiping your nose is OK.) Never rub your husband’s back in public, stroke his hair, or fondle him. Such actions are very unrefined.”

Contributed by Anonymous

“Fascinating Womanhood” is a bestseller by Helen Andelin. It tells women how to get men and therefore become worthwhile:

(From the chapter “Feminine Manner”:)

The Hands
“Avoid stiff, brusque movements. Don’t wave your hands in the air or use them firmly in expressing yourself. Never pound on the table to put over a point. Never shake a man’s hands with strength and vigor.”

The Walk
“Avoid a happy gait or long strides, such as the way men walk. Don’t copy the fashion model walk. It is arrogant and unfeminine. Walk in a light, graceful manner with legs somewhat straight. Imagine you weigh 95 pounds. Have someone tape a video of you walking. It will give you a visual view of how you need to improve.”

The Voice
“Don’t talk too loud. And don’t let your voice suggest mannish efficiency or coarse boldness. To improve your voice, practice speaking old fairy tales. Raise or lower your voice for expression. In the humorous parts put laughter in your voice; in sad parts put sorrow. A half hour of practicing a week should be effective, if kept up for three or four weeks.”

The Laugh
“Avoid any tendency to the masculine laugh such as a deep or loud tone. Don’t open your mouth wide, throw your head back, slap your hands on your thighs, roar, cackle, snort, or anything coarse or vulgar. If these extremes are avoided, the laugh will be at least acceptable.”

Cooing and Purring
“When a feminine woman feels close to the man she adores, she sometimes coos and purrs. This is called baby talk. It can be fascinating to men, even when bestowed on an infant.”

Contributed by Alicia Lewis

During World War II, the folks at Betty Crocker wanted to help the housewives feel like part of the war effort, too — hence the curious terminology used here:

Contributed by Eric D. Snider

According to the 1999 IRS Instructions for Schedule A, Itemized Deductions, of Form 1040:

* Illegal operations or drugs (pg A-1)
* Vacation that your doctor told you to take for rest or a change (pg A-1)
* Cost of raffle, bingo, or lottery tickets (pg A-4)
* Value of blood given to a blood bank (pg A-4)
* The cost of entertaining friends (pg A-5)
* Travel expenses (including meals and lodging) while away from home unless there was no significant element of personal pleasure, recreation, or vacation in the travel. (pg A-4)

Contributed by Theric W. Jepson

First, go to the online Merriam-Webster Dictionary at www.m-w.com.

Second, look up the word “JOKE.” It will give you this definition:

1 a : something said or done to provoke laughter; especially : a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist b (1) : the humorous or ridiculous element in something (2) : an instance of jesting : KIDDING c : PRACTICAL JOKE d : LAUGHINGSTOCK

There’s a cross-reference link to “KIDDING.” Click on that, and it takes you to this definition:

Main Entry: 2kid
Function: intransitive verb
Inflected Form(s): kid·ded; kid·ding
Date: 15th century
: to bring forth young — used of a goat or an antelope

Contributed by Anonymous

Written by a student in a freshman English class at Utah State University; submitted by her instructor:

(Note from the author’s instructor: “I had to give this paper a grade two years ago. The assignment was to write an essay where you take a stand on an issue you feel strongly about. It’s an amazing piece of writing, frightening really. The author (a female) is apparently writing without any irony. I have typed it here exactly as it was turned in. Enjoy it.”)

Growing up in Southern California until I was thirteen, I was pretty much the minority as far as I can remember. I was the minority as a white English speaking American. I always had friends of different races and it never bothered me. One of my best friends was black and another was Chinese. And since this is a free country, people can speak what ever language they want, but when they are in public with English speaking people, they should speak English.

I remember once in seventh grade there were two Chinese kids speaking to each other in Chinese. They both knew how to speak English, but they preferred to speak their language instead. I can understand speaking to one another the way that you’re most comfortable, but they need to practice all they can. I was told that English was the hardest to learn, so why not take advantage of knowing it and showing it off?

Everyone that I know that has come from a different country has learned English and they speak it very well. Yes, they may have an accent, but at least they took time to learn how to speak the native language. They many people who have come to American, who don’t know how to speak the language, I don’t think its fair for the tax payers to be having to pay for things that are written in two different languages, such as a receipt. It takes a lot of hard work to learn a language, it’s taken me three years to learn what I know in French and I probably don’t even know half of what I should.

From what I understand, the French treat Americans as if they aren’t really people if they don’t know the language. If I was to move to France, I would learn the language the best I could and if someone spoke English I would still try to learn the language and get out of the house and practice with anyone that would speak to me. Even if you don’t have anyone to practice with you can learn in a book or watch foreign movies with subtitles. Practicing is the best way though.

For my church, which is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, all the young men who leave their home and go to a foreign country, learn the language so that they might be able to teach what they need to. And it is showing the people of that country respect for letting them come and teach them. People definitely wont’ listen if you don’t know the language, how could they? If they already have their religion, most of the citizens of that country probably don’t want to listen to the missionary anyway.

Now that I’ve moved to Utah, I am definitely the majority. It’s a weird transition to be living with a lot more white people than I ever had, along with everybody being the same faith as I am. I think it’s totally cool having a mixture of people move to America, so now we can learn about their countries and environments that they come from. Although most of them speak English, but not all.

Even though my dad lives in California, I don’t go there as often as I would like to. The last time I went down there, there was a town right next to the one I used to live in and there were Chinese billboards and restaurants. I couldn’t read anything. Why go to a place where I used to live and learn their language, even though I could try, but when I was born the language in America had been English. I may be selfish, but I would never think about going to China and putting English writing all over the town. I have too much respect to do that to anyone.

All over that town are Chinese people. I don’t think it’s fair for the English speaking immigrants who studied so hard to learn English who have to watch their town turn into a place where a group of immigrants from China came and made it into a little “China Town.” I respect the fact that the Chinese still have their culture and speak to one another, but I think when they are in public, then they need to speak English.

Although, if you are from another country and spoke your native language where to live, I like that. I don’t like it when there in public speaking Spanish, Chinese, or what ever they might speak. Everyone likes to speak different languages if they can and why can’t they, but when you’re around other English speaking people, speak English.

Growing up as the minority it didn’t bother me because everyone I knew spoke English. Now going back to visit California isn’t as fun as it was when I was younger. I hate walking down the street and not understanding what people are saying. I’ve lived in America too long to put up with that kind of adjustment. There’s nothing I can do about it, but now at least my feelings are out and I don’t have to hold them in any longer.

By the year 2000, English is supposed to be the second language spoke in America. Spanish is going to be the first. The best place to learn English is Utah because it is where the most white, English speaking people live. I hardly hear any Spanish or Chinese here. These statistics are pretty radical. If this is true, America will be a totally different place in a couple of years.

Contributed by Eric D. Snider

(From the contributor, the founder of this site: “These are theories that people have put forth, in angry responses to my theater reviews, as to why I gave the show a negative review, the idea of the play just being bad, like I said, apparently not being a possibility.”)

“…lack of ability as a theater critic…”

“It makes me wonder if Mr. Snider even stayed to see the entire performance.”

“‘Carousel’ was reviewed by professionals before Eric was born. They must have seen something in it that he missed, as it has been successfully performed thousands of times.”

“…obviously unfamiliar with Shakespeare…”

“Perhaps Eric Snider is better suited to review events such as rock concerts, sporting events, or something involving young girls.”

“It sounds like you don’t like to sit through plays.”

“He … lacks understanding of the basic elements of theater.”

“I don’t know if you have prejudgements or what…”

“Those ‘of the world’ won’t appreciate this play.”

“Those who are not ‘past feeling’ will find this play will remind of what’s really important in life.”

“Mr. Snider went with a negative attitude and therefore was blinded by a hard heart.”

“Eric Snider obviously does not like happy shows where boy finds girl, falls in love, and gets married.”

“Maybe he fell asleep and dreamed his review.”

“Maybe he just had a bad day.”

“Mr. Snider must have come on a particularly bad night, or he was suffering from indigestion.”