Miscellaneous


Contributed by Paul Pliska

The directions on a package of Wish Pearls include this as step 2:

Make a wish and open the mollusk.

Good advice in any situation, really.

Contributed by Steven P. Sanders

The contributor’s brother wrote an essay, apparently about the Teapot Dome Scandal. The following is an excerpt:

Albert Fall [Secretary of Inerter] or he’s in charge of natural recourses. Since he makes $12,000 and he fixed his ranch, and since he brought land worth $125,000 so that doesn’t make sense.

Fall sold government property to oil companies. He sold it for thousands of dollars in cash, bonds, and lives stock. This will be known as the Teapot Scandal.

He was fined $100,000 dollars

Contributed by Jerilyn

This was in the weekly newsletter from the contributor’s kids’ elementary school. It may help — slightly — to know that VISA stands for Very Important Student Assistant:

Why I Want To Be A Library Helper
by [name]

In the beginning man was given the immense responsibility over the land, animals, and plants. The thought of such responsibility is staggering. Man must have felt small and timid, but the unknowing mind of the man had not yet processed the vast thought of responsibility he had over everything. I would highly enjoy…no not enjoy but prize and honor the privilege of being a VISA. I think I could be a valuable addition to the legions of noble boys and girls marching to help straighten shelves and assist fellow comrades embarking on the pleasures of knowledge to find books. Mrs. Koehler, I would be highly pleased to work in the library and except the responsibility that all men have desired since the beginning of time.

Contributed by Claire

If you thought the anus constricting book was as weird as it gets, here’s some competition:

Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know and Love Than from a Sheep You’ll Never Meet

Contributed by Tara Shields

This may be the best book ever written. Be sure to click on “See more product details” to get the full effect:

How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Contributed by Anonymous

The contributor’s fifth-grader daughter was given vocabulary words and asked to write sentences using them. Here are three of them, the underlined words being the ones she was asked to build sentences around:

1. The baby doll was mauled.
2. The man owned an iota of land.
3. I think it’s time I had a little fickle.

Contributed by Adam

The contributor’s company received a shipment of output cables that, due to being “keyed,” had compatibility issues with some older units. He wrote to the factory and asked why they changed their system to one that apparently doesn’t work a lot of the time. He received this response:

Dear Adam,

Thanks for your mail.

We need to make this output keyed, for some end user will put cable in wrong slut.

Also if it happened that the cable just fitting in but there will be no funcation by this connection then it will caused some time to explain.

Pleas feel confort about this.

Best Regards,
[name]

Contributed by Clay Carrington

Found at the Internet Movie Database, this is an Internet Movie Database user’s summary of “The Executioner’s Song.” Note that it is all one sentence:

“Based on the true story of murderer Gary Mark Gilmore, spanning the last nine months of his life (May 1976-January 1977) in which at age 35, after being released for serving a long prison term in Utah for armed robbery, the unstable Gilmore murdered two men in two seperate and senseless robberies in which after a brief public trial in October, he was sentenced to death by firing squad which drew a lot of media attention when Gilmore insisted that his execution be carried out and he became the first man to be executed in the USA since the government reinstated the death penalty in 1976.”

Contributed by Chris

Found in a book called “View from Above,” by Brian Stewart. It was put on everyone’s windshields in an Arizona State University parking lot one day. The book is religious/historical fiction written from God’s point of view. Here, God describes heaven:

It has walls over a thousand miles high being made of elements your most brilliant teams of scientists would be unable to recreating. I have given it substance, yet slowed down the atomic speeds, so all of the components can be seen through and passed through with the power of thought. The gates are fashioned of huge round pearls and are set in walls that contain every color of the prism. For mortal eyes it is quite overwhelming. Even Las Vegas with all its lights is but an ember when compared to the beauty of Heaven, even when glimpsed from afar. I set within its walls a crystal stream containing the most basic building blocks of My universe – hydrogen and oxygen, that is shaded by fully grown trees bearing every fruit you have enjoyed on earth plus species which only exist here. I planted them, not for their nourishment, but for their beautiful aromas. They are continually in bloom – one species after another – giving Heaven a fragrance that is intoxicatingly delightful.

Contributed by Octavia Sawyer

Original found at Chubby Checker’s official Web site, which appears to be defunct:

This is my message to the Nobel Prize nominators and the nominators of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Should you choose me I’ll consider it honorable. However, I have conditions for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

To Place the “Twist” symbol that’s on Chubby Checker’s Beef Jerky, this statue on top of a thirty foot or so pedestal in the courtyard of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. I would like to be alone thank you. I changed the business. I am often call the wheel that Rock rolls on as long as people are dancing apart to the beat of the music they enjoy. Before “Alexander Graham Bell” no Telephone. Before “Thomas Edison” no Electric light. Before “Dr. George Washington Carver” no Oil from seed or cloning of plants. Before “Henry Ford” no V-8 Engine. Before “Walt Disney” no Animated cartoons. Before Chubby Checker no “Dancing Apart to the Beat.” What is “Dancing Apart to the Beat?” Dancing Apart to the Beat is the dance that we do when we dance apart to the beat of anybody’s music and before “Chubby Checker” it could not be found!

Elvis Presley is the King of Rock & Roll, no doubt, and we love him. However, Rock & Roll was already here. He just became the King of it. The Beatles, who we all love so dearly, their likeness was done by the Beach Boys, Buddy Holly and the Crickets. But it’s evident that they did it much, much better. Hank Ballard wrote and recorded the “Twist”. The inner city kids made a dance to that song. The record died on the radio. Radio stopped playing the record. The “Twist” was dead. No one was going to hear the record and no one was ever going to see the dance. We re-recorded the record and campaigned the song and the dance at DJ record dance parties in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. Radio stations started to play the “Twist” by Chubby Checker. We finally made it to American Bandstand and showed the world what it was. Chubby Checker changed everything. He gave movement to a music that never had this movement before. The styles changed do you need a prescription for viagra. The nightclub scene is forever changed. Chubby Checker gave birth to aerobics.

He game to music a movement that could not be found unless you were trained at some studio learning something other than dancing apart to the beat. It’s easy. It’s fun. The “Twist” the only song, since time began, to become number one twice by the same artist. Oh yes, we’re talking about the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. But lets face the truth. This is Nobel Prize Territory.

The “Twist” is very recognizable when you dance apart to the beat. But “The Pony”, two on one side and two on the other side, the dance that I introduced in 1961 is the biggest dance of the century. They do it to everything, in the 70′s, 80′s, 90′s and now 2000′s. And what about my “Fly”? To explain it better, throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don’t care. If you “Fly” you automatically do the “Shake”. From 1959 to this moment it’s either the “Twist”, the “Pony”, the “Fly”, the “Shake” or some other nasty stuff in between.

Please I urge you not to look upon my comments as self-centered, proud love thy self. This is not what this is about. Since I have such a unique situation in the music business, I feel only I can explain it. If the music industry knew or understood this reoccurring phenomenon, that’s renewed every time the beat begins, they would have explained it through the decades. Yes, “Dancing Apart to the Beat” is Chubby Checker. Everybody is doing it everyday, every month, every year, since its discovery in 1959. Chubby Checker’s given the music business something great. Now he wants his greatness returned.

I want my flowers while I’m alive. I can’t smell them when I’m dead. The people that come to see the show have given me everything. However I will not have the music business ignorant of my position in the industry. Dick Clark said, and I quote, “The three most important things that ever happened in the music industry are Elvis Presley, the Beatles and Chubby Checker”. Now I ask you. Where is my more money and my more fame? God bless and have mercy. You know I Love You.

Yours truly,

Chubby Checker

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