Wed 31 May 2006
Contributed by Jeff
In the contributor’s eighth-grade history class, the teacher explained that each country owns the land within 14 miles of its shore, with the rest classified as international waters. A girl in the class raised her hand and asked:
But if Hawaii is only 14 miles off the coast, then how come it takes so long to get there?
Mon 15 May 2006
Contributed by Anonymous
From the contributor: “I was in a two-person literature class at my school and the other student was a very sweet (but dim) kid who was always saying these things that made no sense, in or out of context, to impress the professor and me. Here are three doozies:”
I feel like that really exemplificates the distinction between the two authors.
I guess I’m biased but I’m always looking for Biblical references to water.
The river is flooded. I see this as a metaphor for the Catholic Church.
Wed 10 May 2006
Contributed by Catherine Willett
During a dinner with her extended family, the contributor ended her conversation with her sister just in time to hear the tail end of her mother’s conversation, which ended with the following:
Yes, I have always been fascinated by different types of adhesives.
Tue 9 May 2006
Contributed by Audrey
The contributor found the following note on the floor in the Jesse Knight Humanities Building at Brigham Young University. This is Audrey’s transcription, with spelling, capitalization, and everything else intact. Items in [brackets] are descriptions of drawings, etc. “GPG” stands for Green Pen Girl, and “BPG” stands for Blue Pen Girl.
GPG: can I be distRacting?
BPG: please do… what does this have to do w/ math anyway?
GPG: exactly - like how the only pen I could find is gReen & has no cap?
BPG: beautiful. actually I like the blue & green together. ¡que lindo! (how
cute!)GPG: he he he - RemembeR how yesteRday we woRe the same undeRweaR
BPG: oh how could I forget!
GPG: soooo sensitive
BPG: so I had a good talk with Cody last night & I forgot to tell you that I
overheard Hayley saying how much she liked him. TOTaLLy contradicted what
she said to me! ha ha she gets mad @ me for lying to her (when I didn’t) and
then she turns around and blatently lies to me… funny huh?GPG: people like her make the woRld go Round - well soRta - have you
mentioned next yeaRs living situation? How is Jess? maRRied yet? Liz? I
live dRama lives vicaRiously thRough otheRsBPG: Jess - talking to the bish tonight Liz - I think she’s going to dRop
make-out tongue Ring boy b/c he won’t go on his mission & I think Hayley
thinks we’re living together next yeaR… boy is she in for a surprise! hahaGPG: Don’t say anything - sign a contRact, move out in the middle of the
night & change youR nameBPG: oh, ok If I get this job - I’m getting a computeR & a cell for sure
[PICTURE OF A SMILEY FACE HERE] & then maybe a caRGPG: can you heaR me now?
BPG: could your dad hook me up w/a deal? probably not huh?
GPG: I dunno what his poweRs are - he’s a gReat salesman though
BPG: yeah, when I do go to look - I still need cheap cheap cheap
GPG: don’t get cricket
BPG: my only feaR with getting a cell, is that people I don’t like will be
calling me - as of right now people can’t get ahold of me when I’m not home
and I’m not home much. There might have to be a rule that only special
people get my number (like you).GPG: well obviously I get the coveted #1 speed dial slot - & obviously youR
numbeR doesn’t need to be published on the cover of the daily universeBPG: [ARROW POINTING TO THE WORDS "DAILY UNIVERSE"] yeah let’s hope not - I
think I’ll keep telling boys that I don’t have a phone b/c then I don’t take
the chance of them stalking meGPG: I love how you have to woRRy about stalkers and I just woRRy about my
minutes - soooo hot, want to touch the heiny. Do you happen to have the
edited Gladiator oR saving PRivate Ryan. When do you have to leave to
volunteerBPG: [ARROW POINTING TO "GLADIATOR"] so good! yes!! why? I just have to be
there for an houR… & I have to be to woRk by 3:30 so the sooner I can go,
the betteR I guess. I have to Run a couple errends @ the Wilk (letteR to
Jimbo) & check the bus scheduleGPG: I just need to eat my tuRkey sandwich [SMILEY FACE]
BPG: & I have a PB&J one [SMILEY FACE]
GPG: yippee foR food! HeRes to being fat & happy!
BPG: amen to that! [HERE SHE DREW A PAIR OF GIRLS SIDE BY SIDE, WITH STICK
ARMS AND LEGS, SMILEY FACES, AND A BIG BALL FOR THE BODY, COMPLETE WITH
LITTLE BREASTS DRAWN IN] notice those smilies!GPG: [HAS NOW DRAWN UNDERPANTS ON THE STICK PEOPLE] nice bum, where you
from? umm - does getting fat = bigger boobs?BPG: umm yeah! duR that’s why I’m looking forward to getting pregnant…
good ole milk he he we’re the same! umm aRe those still going to fit?GPG: well buy bigger ones this class is going soooooooo slow
BPG: I know! ah! I love walking down the halls of this building & hearing
everyone speaking SpanishGPG: then I open my mouth & you must buRst into teaRs with pain [HERE SHE
HAS DRAWN A STICK GIRL IN A FIRE, HOLDING A MATH 110 BOOK. THE PICTURE IS
CAPTIONED "una chica bonita llama Christy" AND UNDERNEATH IT SAYS "CHRISTY'S
HELL." OFF TO THE SIDE THERE IS AN ARROW AND THE WORD "flames," UNDER WHICH
BPG HAS THEN WRITTEN "fuego."]GPG: un oh - I just spled odium
BPG: me too!
GPG: Funny how these hateful feelings well up inside of me
BPG: I know! she’s not even cute!
Mon 8 May 2006
Contributed by Steven P. Sanders
The contributor’s brother wrote an essay, apparently about the Teapot Dome Scandal. The following is an excerpt:
Albert Fall [Secretary of Inerter] or he’s in charge of natural recourses. Since he makes $12,000 and he fixed his ranch, and since he brought land worth $125,000 so that doesn’t make sense.
Fall sold government property to oil companies. He sold it for thousands of dollars in cash, bonds, and lives stock. This will be known as the Teapot Scandal.
He was fined $100,000 dollars
Sun 7 May 2006
Contributed by Tom
The contributor found several essays with the same opening line on some computers at his high school. They were apparently part of some creative writing exercise. He has archived some of the more interesting ones on this site:
Fri 5 May 2006
Contributed by Jeff
A website devoted to haikus honoring actor Paulo Costanzo:
Sample from the site:
I want to see you,
Sweet, scrawny Canadian,
Come over tonite.
~Peijean Tsai
Thu 4 May 2006
Contributed by Anonymous
Overheard in grocery store:
Me and my brother are no more alike than if we were two different people.
Wed 3 May 2006
Contributed by Liz
The contributor and her boyfriend were sitting on a bench along a tree-lined path at a zoo. They were people-watching, and they witnessed one group and overheard their conversation as follows:
Lady 1: I’m super duper ready to kick someone’s ass!
Lady 2: I hate these f***ing trees.