We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

Contributed by Jeff J. Snider

The following is an email that was received as a submission to this site. The guy’s submission is decent, but the way he wrote it was pure gold. It makes you wonder if he knows this site is here to make fun of people like him:

on a commersial i saw about std’s on nickelodian (a kids channel) there was this statue of a guy naked and the narrator said” before your penis falls of get checked”, and the guys penis fell off and bounced off screen.

Contributed by Jerilyn

(From the contributor: “Here in Oregon, the public schools are facing severe budget shortfalls. I was at a restaurant recently and overheard a woman at the next table say this:”)

“They’re talking about cutting ten days from the school year to make up for the shortfall. I tell you, if they do that, I’m taking my kids out of school for good.”

Contributed by Grace

The contributor overheard the following conversation between a man and a woman at Dunkin’ Donuts:

Man: It might be a roach bite, not a spider.

Woman: John said it looks like a spider. And it’s venomous too.

Man: John talks to the cab door before getting into the cab. How could you listen to anything he says?

Woman: Are spiders venomous?

Man: Maybe it’s a gnat. A gnat bite.

Contributed by Maggie

(From the contributor: “My brother’s bass guitar instructor is in a band, and was calling to confirm a gig and get directions. The lady who answered the phone hung up on him, but not before screaming the following:”)

Never call here after four o’clock! It’s beef and noodles night!

Contributed by Eric Russell

The following essay was written by an English teacher from Brazil. He asked the contributor to read it and let him know if it sounded like “intelligent English.” The contributor, being a liar, said yes:

Summary (Tools of the Trade)

From this reading I could see that, because languages can be both written and spoken, all the tools listed in this article, such as books, tapes and computer programs, must contain at least, one of this forms of presentation for each language that intents to teach.

A pen, a typewriter, and a computer are the same in essence and in terms of concept for tools, and like a picture, a photograph or a movie, where the only difference is definition, also, words written in the sand of a beach, a book and a CD are about the same, for all these tools have the same function in the Teaching process, furthermore, they differ only in the dynamics and definition of image.

As teachers or learners we should have some idea about how functional these tools are, how well they work as helpers in the process of acquiring a new language. Just so, it becomes an important instrument of self criticism.

The more we know about Teaching methods and principles, the more we notice that; not every content corresponds its label, and the best criteria to avoid mistakes is to search for sources and to check the effectiveness of each tool that is used in a particular time.

Opinion
The use of a number of materials like textbooks, computer programs and videos enlarge the possibilities of extending its range far and wide. All these tools are based in the same principles to help a student to acquire a new language. The sophistication of these tools, do not free them from the limits imposed by these very principles, in the same way, that a robot can imitates and speed up human voices and actions but can never overcome it by interacting episode and meaning.

Contributed by Alex

The contributor and his girlfriend were staying in a cheap hotel in Barcelona. On the back of the door in their room was a sign with fire regulations listed in several languages. Halfway down the sign, the English version read:

“The management does not hold its elf responsible for items left in rooms.”

Under which a previous visitor had scribbled:

“What about its gnome?”

Contributed by Claire

From a review of the movie “Narc” written by David Elliott for the San Diego Union-Tribune on January 10, 2003:

Describing actor Ray Liotta, Elliott writes:

“His voice makes you think of a hubcap gladly smacking a curb–it’s the ear-grab street speech of an adopted Jersey lad…”

Contributor’s note: “If you can figure out what a glad hubcap sounds like, or what any of this has to do with Liotta’s voice, you are a wiser person than I.”

Contributed by Ken Schaeffer

(From the contributor: “I found this on a restroom wall at the vocational center at Battle Creek, MI, in 1979. I am sure the bigot who penned it had no idea that he was writing poetry.” Editor’s note: You can’t tell because I have bleeped them, but the racial slurs were misspelled too. That means that in this 13-word gem, there are more words spelled wrong (7) than right (6)!)

“N***** bitchs
Wigle there ass
Think there something
I hate them
N***** bitchs”

Contributed by Sun

Line from a commercial for Splenda, a new artificial sweetener:

“It tastes like sugar because it’s made from sugar, but its not sugar.”

Contributed by Lisa Beebe

The contributor runs a pop culture website with some friends. The following are some emails she has received through the site:

This person thinks of David Hasselhoff in a very unique way:

“David Hasselhoff is the “King David”,because he cans strike down Goliath,I have seed it in Knight Rider.He’s the only,who cans strike down Goliath.”

***

This person has some lofty goals, but apparently no punctuation keys on his keyboard:

“we are a group who are trying to prosper in life by our music and we believe that this may be a way to get a start on it now we sing r&b,gospel,or some patriotic songs that are mostly revised or written by our group but are willing to go a step farther in imitating some to be seen we are a three part harmony group that sing from our soul the feelings that we have and have actually had people say that we sound better than boys two men who we always listen to we could use a chance if you can give the oppurtunity we would so much appreciate it our group G3 God bless”

***

While this one was flattering, I think the girl thought she was writing to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen (we have a few articles about them):

“hi my name is krystal i am 11 years old.I love animals and boys.You are so cool i wish i can see you in real person.PLease write back soon”

***

We have nothing on our site about Regis Philbin or Kelly Ripa, so I think this woman just felt like sharing:

“I recently met ms kelly ripa from regis and kelly and i’d like to say that she is a wonderful and her career is going to blossom. Not because of her resume but because shes a nice person she very charismatic. anyway i used to work across the street from where she lives so i use to see her often and you wouldnt believe how nice she was to me the first time i was star struck and surprised to be in her presence even her husband is quite the gentlemen.”