We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

Contributed by Anonymous

Submitted to The Daily Herald as part of a high-school class assignment. Not published in the paper. Note the sudden burst of coherency in the last sentence:

Dear, Editor

I fell that you guys shouldn’t tell actor’s lives on the newspaper because that is very mean and it is not right is I was an actor and you wrote something about me like you did about Eminem and his wife I would sew you because you have no business getting into there lives just because there actor’s. And it might destroy there cd sales and might even affect there marriage. So I think you guys should mind your own business and focus on writing things that could help the state.

Contributed by Lauralyn Lowe

The contributor says she found this letter under a pile of fallen leaves outside her apartment:

Brigette,

I thought I would wright you since I’ve seen this movie at least a hundred times. I’m really tired now. This morning I was still peppy but I’m not anymore - my peppiness is gone!! Don’t worry about the prom thing-if its meant to be it will be. And I know you don’t want to hear that because if your anything like me you hate hearing that. I hate leaving things up to chance. I’d rather think that I control my own destony. But I’m sure its a combination of both. What do you think? Do you think there is a pre-destoned plan for us? I have no clue. Too much thought for a movie day!! I’m so sick of couples-every time I look at one I get sick! Isnt that terrible. I know jelousy is bad but I just cant help it. I’m tired of waiting “You can’t hurry love - ho you just have to wait - she said love don’t come easy, its a game of give or take.” Don’t you just love how I break into song every time I write you!:)It makes me feel better. Anyway enough sulking for one day. P.E. elective was fun although my team lost pretty badly. Any time that you have Torrey and Brandon on the same team-which isn’t your team you know you are going to loose. I loose with Torrey anyway I cut it anyway. I had too much fun at prom. I decided. I wish that I would have had a terrible time that way it wouln’t be so hard. I thought I was over the whole thing. But having a good date seems to reserface feelings. But back to your situation - mine is growing tiresome. You like him - he like you - bust a move!! There is absolutlely nothing to loose because you know he likes you. You have the perfect situation - don’t waste it!! thats my opinion anyway!! if there is any chance in he double hockey sticks that two people can get together - they should do it. OK I have deffinately done enough preaching for one note!!:) But seriously do what you heart tells you too. And if people keep giving you a hard time - oh well. Who cares about them!!:) See you tonight about the dress!! Love ya!!

Megan

Contributed by Eric D. Snider

Printed in The Salt Lake Tribune 11/4/00. Our favorite parts have been emphasized:

I was just wondering why The Tribune cannot report things as they happen. If religion writer Peggy Fletcher Stack had even listened, she would know that there is a difference in waving and twirling (Tribune, Oct. 9). The members of the LDS Church did not twirl the white handkerchiefs. They waved them and that is a sacred thing they do on special occasions. It would interesting to know what her meaning of twirling means!

Also, why does The Tribune always print things about the church that are not true? I never read anything about any other church. And also, would you like to have someone come into your private area and do what they wanted? I can assure you that I received The Tribune by mistake and never will I again even open it if that happens. Twice before The Tribune has been delivered to me by mistake; and if it happens again I shall just put it in the garbage. Also, you should know the church said it has no intention of buying The Tribune; it thinks that there should be two papers.

Glenda Worthen
Ferron

Contributed by Seth Lester Leary

(Contributor’s note: “I found this love note (at least, I think it’s a love note) on the street during one of my routine scavengings. The word ‘heart’ in brackets is meant to represent a little picture of a heart included in the original note. Spelling and capitalization are hers.”)

Outside cover:
2 MIKE
[heart] ME

Inside:
Mike ~[heart]
Oct 30

whats [up arrow] sexy ok Duh I am so so mad at you! ok you tell Me you don’t have time to write me Back o but I’ll write Heather back! Duh thats messed up! But ARe you Just mad at Me like Juan is? Well Nevermind take all that back! you did write me But that Getto girl got it taken away! shes Really gay o well you better get that! & give it to me -K. well duh do you hate me to? well Anyways I want you to write me Back -K. Mike help that fagget kid just asked me out!

I [heart] u lots
[heart] - me
Shannyn

W|M|B|K
WMB|K

J/K I’m still mad you can ardly call that a note! 3 lines k w/b

Contributed by Jeremy Jensen

(From the contributor: “The following was sent to me from a good friend, Willy, last April. I could not stop laughing as I tried to figure out where one sentence ended and another began (among other grammatical mistakes) while my friend complained about not graduating and ripped on the teachers.”)

hey school sucks bad i just got out of the office they told me the if i missed one more day of school i could not graduate but i told they what i thought of that but i think i should just graduate and got it over with i look at teacher in a new way like you suck and your going to be poor the rest of your life same with the adminsters i am real mad right now looks like i can’t go any where on the weekend because of saturday school one more month and i rule the world sorry about all this s*** but i had to say it call me and i ‘ll help you help gerg move i ‘ll show you the race car

pissed off will

Contributed by Alicia

Reprinted exactly as the note was hand-written:

MATT
Oct. 12, 2000
So waz^? not 2 much going around here. I just want you a know I have liked you for 3 years so far. I though you where soooooo hot in 7th, 8th and 9th. I was going 2 ask u out in 7th but I didn’t. Then I was going 2 ask you out in 8th but I didn’t. Sometime [this] year I’m going 2 ask u out but I don’t know when. When Jessica Adams wrote you a note Last riday it said would you ever go out with Judy and it had (yes-no-maybe) then it said circle one and you circled maybe did you mean it? I feel like asking you out 2day but I don’t know if I should. If I don’t then Jessica or tara will for me. Did you get you school pictures taken the first day of school? If so can I have one 2 put in my wallet? When I get my school picture do you want one? Because Jessica, Tara, Ted, and some of my friends are getting one. I just want you 2 know I have liked you for a vary long time. Well I I have 2 go so I’ll cya later.
Love,
Judy

Contributed by Duncan

(From the contributor: “This resume cover letter came in the mail at my work. Judging by her resume, the woman who wrote it is apparently in her late 40s. She also gave her phone number and specified that it was unlisted. Her name has been removed. All spelling, capitalization and punctuation is as it was in her letter.”)

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

I AM TAKING THE LIBERTY OF SENDING MY RESUME FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, BECAUSE OF MY DEPTH EXPERIENCE AND TRAINING, WHICH CAN BE A SIGNIFICANT VALUE IN AN ORIGINATION SUCH AS YOURS.

I BRING A COMBINATION OF EXTENSIVE ADMINISTRATIVE SUPPORT EXERPIENCE AND APPROVED TRACK RECORD FROM THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY.

THE MOST ENJOYABLE PART OF MY CAREER IS THE INTERATION WITH THE DEPARTMENTS, PROBLEM SOLVING AND BEING ABLE TO BRING ORDER TO A SOMETIMES HECTIC ENVIRONMENT.

I WOULD WELCOME THE OPPORTUNITY TO FURTHER DISCUSS MY BACKGROUND AND HOW I AM WILLING TO CHANGE MY FIELD OF WORK.

THANKING YOU IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR TIME.

SINCERELY,

Contributed by Anonymous

The person who submitted this probably wants to remain anonymous so as to avoid questions regarding how he stumbled across this message in the first place. He says he has saved this in his e-mail for quite some time, waiting for the right place to use it:

Newsgroups: alt.sex.voyeurism
From: an73376@anon.penet.fi
Date: Sun, 13 Nov 1994 02:42:57 UTC
Subject: E-MAIL ME YOUR USED PANTIES

Do any of you horney young women have used panties your willing to part with? If so, please e-mail them to me.

No photo’s please, just the panties

Contributed by Josh Bingham

(From the contributor: “This was a note left on my friend’s car when she parked it in front of her neighbor’s house. It is important to note that this man was an ‘educated’ adult who apparently thought this was the best way to deal with this situation. It is also important to note that my friend lives in a normal residential neighborhood, where there is always space to park on the street. The original spelling and capitalization are left intact.”)

TO WHOM IT MAY CONSERN!
     I am writing to complain about the situation between your house and these apartments.
     There is sometimes when I come home to park in front. Well All your vehicles aer there. Not in front of your house or in your drive way. You seem to have plenty of space so why take ours. You have been warned on this situation before [Contributor's note: This is untrue] I just think it is rude and inconsiderate. please try to find it in your heart to please someone else besides yourselfs
       THANX
          MR. CONSERNED.

Contributed by Mack Christensen

(From the contributor: “I was dating a girl named Kristy, and the ups and downs of that relationship affected my journal entries for the worst. I never waxed quite so nauseating as when we were having problems….”)

Saturday, April 15, 2000:
Maybe I try too hard, but what else can I do? I am stuck, I love her with all my heart. It will hurt a great deal to wrench her hand that I have placed around my heart and I really don’t want to do that.

Tuesday, April 18, 2000:
…and still I keep my heart open to her as pain and despair fill the void left by my love lost on her.

Wednesday, April 27, 2000:
I asked her what I would do without her and she said “be happy, be successful, have a wonderful family, and make my wife happy.” Choking over the tears I told her I wanted to be happy with her, and I wanted to be successful with her, and I wanted to have a wonderful family with her, and that I wanted to make her happy.