We Made Out in a Tree and This Old Guy Sat and Watched Us

This was a comment posted here on this site in response to this post. It was too precious for me to just let it sit unnoticed in the comments. Note that the author, someone named Britt, uses 246 words (actually 250, but four of them should have only been one word) and misspells 34 of them, by my count. That’s a 13.8% failure rate! Enjoy:

Listen Loser You dont know any thing about Cows if you think there nothing but cute and gentle. People like you should be shot Ive raised cows all my life and they are far from gentle so why dont you educate your self befor you speek cows are wild animals that will ram you in a heart beat if they dont like you. Saying killing cows is wrong because there cute and they wouldnt hurt you is like saying people dont hurt other people cuz thell go to hell. Its just not true! And I was just wondering if you drove a cor or rode a bike or mabe even took a bath Because were do you think soap and pavemet and that rubber in your tires come from YES do the research we sneak a lot of weard stuff in there. I hate vegans and vegitarians and all that stuff they think were wrong for eating meat when yall should be consentrating on the developers who are taking away all of the natural resourses animals need to survive and dont think if you just eat vegitation and stuff uour not still hurting them By doing that your still eating what the need to survive so and guess who shits on your vegies so you can eat it with out the use of animals you would be NACKED AND HUNGRY and dont hate on those who eat meat cuz your killing them too just slower and that makes you in-humane

When the contributor was student teaching, she ended up having lunch with a first-grader who was kept in the classroom during lunch for disciplinary reasons. The two had the following conversation:

Student: Did you make your own lunch?

Teacher: Yes.

Student: Is your mommy dead?

World Wrestling Entertainment has a poll on its website allowing the fans to choose from four new t-shirt designs for wrestler Randy Orton. Check out the design on the bottom right (click the thumbnails to see the full versions; the first image is a screenshot of the four designs, and the second is a close-up of the offending shirt):

The contributor has an ad on several websites, looking for a roommate to move in when her current roommate moves out soon. She received the following email from someone who probably won’t get the spot:

From: XXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Jul 28, 2006 8:16 AM
Subject: The report mail it sends from the www.share-accommodation.net .
To: xxxxxx@gmail.com

How are you. I am 26 murderous intent males who live in Korea. It is a plan which will enter into the household head at September 5th. It searches the place where it will stay. Moving in wants knowing the possible cold region in September. I visit initially in the household head. English it cannot do well, but a lot, it appears not to becoming the problem. If possibility be and give the liaison with the mail. Korea hands down elegy today. Is the piece weather how? Good one day~

From an article about termites:

Meanwhile, several signs to alert you to a subterranean termite infestation include:
-Mud tubes.
-Damaged or “hollow” sounding wood.
-Dead termites or wings.
-Live termites.
-Swarming termites.

An old, senile woman at the contributor’s church was at the pulpit preaching about a variety of things, including the following:

There are also a lot of foods I can’t eat anymore. Chocolate, for example: White chocolate, the dark chocolate, and the milk chocolate, which is the kind babies love so much. And I know that, in the next life, the men will be the ones who have the babies. [At this point, she concluded and sat down, then turned to the lady next to her and added:] And I bet you’re wondering how the men will have the babies. [Dramatic pause.] Through the rectum.

The directions on a package of Wish Pearls include this as step 2:

Make a wish and open the mollusk.

Good advice in any situation, really.

The contributor sent an email to a company complaining about a popup when using their software. After a couple emails back and forth, he received this resolution:

From: [EMAIL ADDRESS REMOVED]
To: Randy Tayler
Subject: RE: After meeting pop-up window [T20060619010H]

Hi Randy,

Thank you for using GoToMeeting.

I have disabled the exit Pop Up, I apologize for the incontinence this has caused!

Thank you.

Warm Regards,

[NAME REMOVED]
Customer Care Agent
Citrix Online Division
Citrix Systems, Inc.

WARNING: This post contains some non-graphic and non-explicit references to sex. You have been warned.

One of the great things about running a site like this is reading the comments from readers. A fellow by the name of David MacDonald posted a couple comments that I did not approve, partly because of their content, but mostly because I wanted to highlight them as separate entries. Here is a portion of one of the comments, with my favorite parts in bold:

if you are looking for a nice guy to have passionate sex with in bed iam free to help you out.email me to [ADDRESS REMOVED] and let me no if you are interested in having sex with me in the nude in the shower and also in bed.yours sincerly david.

The next comment got more explicit and lost some of David’s “nice guy” image, but rest assured that it also specified “in bed.” It’s nice to see a guy who knows exactly what he wants.

After the contributor’s boyfriend broke up with her, this is the explanation he gave to her friend:

I have better things to do — like be a ninja.